Cassette Tape Casanova

It was the ultimate aphrodisiac. Twenty-four tracks. Twelve on the A-side. Twelve on the B-side. Ninety minutes—win or lose. Once that rectangular wheel of musical ribbon transferred hands, there was no turning back. It seemed like a good idea at the time—a compilation of sappy love songs sure to make her swoon for yours truly.

Like a sentry on post, I spent weeks guarding my ghetto blaster. A massive portable stereo equipped with dual cassette tapes, full equalizer panel, and two 10” subwoofer speakers. I kept my trigger finger at the ready to press the record button at precisely the right moment—two seconds of dead air between the DJ and the song. I never missed a shot.

It’s been days since I gave it to her in the hallway. I began second-guessing my selections. She was surrounded by all her friends. Only one of them, Summer, snickered when I gave Lucy the tape. I wasn’t bothered. She's a whore. Nothing like my girl, Lucy—sweet Lucy.

I sigh.

"A rose by wuthering heights is still far from the madding crowd," I whispered to myself. I never quite understood the quote, but I knew it was from an old romance book or movie.

Maybe she didn’t own a tape player. “Of course she did, dummy,” I told myself. Everyone owned a tape player in the '80s. It’s been a week, and she has yet to jump into my arms—proclaiming her dying love for thee. Maybe the thin magnetic strip of seduction failed me—possibly eaten. I knew I should have used a Memorex cassette and not the more affordable off-brand. Nevertheless, it was time to take action and confront Lucy—sweet Lucy—and see what she thought.

"Hey Lucy, wait up. Lucy, hey, sorry."

"What do you want, loser?" her friend, Summer, said.

"Go suck a dick, Summer!"

"Lucy, hey, uhm hi, what did you think of the tape I made for you?"

"It was disgusting! Listen, James, I used to think you were a pretty sweet guy, but you’re just like all the other boys. Please leave me alone."

"Disgusting?" I said in shock.

"Ass up, Face down, James? That’s what you think of me? If you think giving me a tape of 2 Live Crew is going to make me like you, then maybe Summer was right about you."

"Wait, I must have accidentally grabbed the wrong tape. "That’s not what I made you."

"I have to go to class, James."

"Please wait. Let me explain."

She ignored my plea as I watched Lucy—my sweet Lucy—walk away.

The love of my life slowly disappeared down the long hallway. Just before Lucy and Summer turned into class, Summer looked at me with her stupid slutty face and mouthed, “Call me,” as she gestured a telephone with her thumb and pinky.

Summer and I have been married for twenty years today.

She still loves face down ass up.