God Has a Headache

A splitting one, a cosmic one, you know. He calls the archangels together to find out why all these departed souls keep bowing and scraping, being unctuous and saccharine to Him. Michael offers to smite them all, but God says, “Whoa, peace and love and all that.” Uriel, the intellectual one, tells God that this is what the churches tell members they should do. “Unfortunate and annoying, but part of free will,” Uriel says. And God instructs all the archangels to tell all the angels to get all the departed souls some kind of hobby and remind them that sex is okay in heaven. “Do it quickly,” I-am-that-I-am tells them, “Or else I am going to have to take up my daily poker games with the Devil again, just to get some peace and quiet. And you know that guy deals from the bottom of the deck.”