Surrender

Surrender is not what they’re telling you it is. It stings, stinks and is full of holes. These Gurus and motivational speakers are high on some funk, obviously, and they’ll tell you renunciation is how real peace and equilibrium gets born but have you tried? Or are you yourself high on their high and you think you’ve done it except that the whole notion is a giant clump of theory in your head.

Let me tell you then. Because I tried, and have been trying like an imbecile learning how to ride a bike but who hasn’t realised the training wheels are imaginary and so keeps falling off.

I believed them. The experts. They promised liberation. I kept thinking of clouds and birds, that type of airy fairy crap, and it was seductive, you know?  

So I tried.

I thought of every single desire that gets me as mad as an abused stray cat and I dropped it into the ocean of my stomach. Then I thought of every single thing that gets me angry, sad, frustrated, seething with hatred, all the bad stuff and I plopped those too into the ocean of my stomach. Simple things, you know? How people drive like half their brain fell out of the window; RomCom as a genre; the desire for another cig (I already had 52 today); the episode at work where someone stole my stapler; the fact my best friend has been lying to me for 3 years and has been acting like my real friend during this period, no problem, he’s such a fantastic actor.

You know, it’s harder to surrender your desire for another slice of special rainbow cake than you think. I’m sure some of you earnest ones have tried. What happened? I know what happened for me. The image of the cake popped into my head suddenly just when I was about to poop and it didn’t matter the reek of shit was wafting about like a bloody sea breeze, I was still tempted to look more closely at that piece of cake. I thought of going straight into my Whatsapp chat and starting the process but then I remembered my hips and I strained to imagine what they would look like in my new tight skirt and I stopped myself but then the happy cake returned to my head pretty much immediately and I knew it was taunting me or trying to tell me something important and suddenly I thought, what if the cake has a message for me and I’ll only find out if I get a slice, eat it, and wait for the inspiration to download. Believe me, you would have done exactly what I did. 25 minutes later, the delivery angel handed me the fake bakery paper bag and I ate the cake. I didn’t receive a message from the cake but, honestly, how could I have predicted that?

So, you see, surrender is not an easy thing. At all. These days, I’ve become low key allergic to videos about surrendering, letting go, breathing in, breathing out (as though breathing in and out isn’t already happening), although I’m still unable to surrender the surrendering videos. You see how difficult it is?

Let me tell you a success story, though. To give you poor floundering people some hope. Last thing I want is for you to feel you’ve wasted your time here. I mean, you took 6 full minutes out of your beautiful day to read this which is another way of saying you surrendered your desire to watch an episode of your latest online serial to be here and so you must be rewarded. I know surrender is supposed to be its own reward but can we honestly trust that?

Therefore, here it is: I think it was in the middle of last week when I experienced something out-of-this-world refreshing—yes, I felt like I was going up to the sky and living like a bird. It was one of those recurring impulses, you know the type that crowds your heart and convinces you you’re about to have a heart attack. For me, it was the impulse to call my mother and yell at her. I’d been angry at her for telling the whole family I failed a drug test at work and got fired. When the delicious thought came to click on her name on my phone and start the screaming session, I dropped the scenario into the ocean of my stomach and it worked! Don’t ask me how. I didn’t do anything special. It just happened. Like magic, corny people will say. Of course, 2 days later I grabbed my phone, called her and yelled, but the point is in the middle of last week, I succeeded. At least once. And that’s enough of a success, if you ask me.

Now, my real problem is how to rid myself of my best friend. How do I surrender that? I don’t mean get rid of him in my life but surrender this thing I feel every time I think about his lie? Do you have any suggestions? Dropping it into the ocean of my stomach doesn’t work for this. Imagining a fire and throwing it there also doesn’t work. I’m not a praying person but I even tried praying and of course it didn’t work either. Because you see, the problem is when the image of him lying returns, I am filled with so much agony my entire body goes up in flames and I want to disappear permanently. I mean, I myself don’t want to be around so if I’m not around to whom does that problem belong? And if I get rid of myself, then naturally, every other problem will go away too, isn’t it?

So, here’s what I’m thinking and the real reason I’m writing this is to ask for suggestions: isn’t it better to surrender my whole self rather than surrendering piece by piece? I mean, there are always pieces and they have a habit of coming no matter what you do. I’ll just give myself up, that’s what I’m feeling strongly inside the ocean of my stomach. How I’m going to do that I don’t know but maybe it will happen by itself when I decide that’s what I want to do. What do you think? Feedback and comments are welcome! (keep it nice though, I don’t want to have to work on another round of surrendering, I have enough on my cracked plate as it is).