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The Pickle Blaster

Writer: Alaina HammondAlaina Hammond

There’s a certain kind of journalist

Or monster who wears a journalist’s jacket

While sniffing the panties of murdered children.


The newspapers had all the facts. 

The vigil would tell them nothing they didn’t know. 

But still they swarmed upon soft candle-based grief

With their bright camera lights and their microphones.

My friend’s dad touched one on the shoulder 

And kindly asked for privacy.

Please, he said, our community needs to grieve.

She screamed and accused him of assault. 


Now whenever I see this warm, brilliant man, 

Who sent electricity through pickles 

To entertain and educate his children’s classmates 

And now does the same for his grandchildren 

I think, there he is, The Pickle Blaster

And jokingly add, The Enemy of The Free Press.

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